Recommended Listening: “The Silent Comedy- Bartholomew”
It was my true intent to offer a chance at redemption to my brother. And that’s exactly what I did. That he chose to take that offered hand in a lie is his own issue and nothing to do with what I offered him. The fact that he did so and caused a member of my pack to have to take a vacation in Erebus, however, is entirely my problem. It was never my intent to allow Jack to take the brunt of that deal himself, but letting him know that was never in the cards. Really, if he knew me at all, he would have realized I would never allow him to pay a price for something I arranged.
That said, for a number of reasons, I wish that the hand had been taken in good faith. I can’t blame my brother for lying in that circumstance. He was hoping for either drawing every moment of breath that he could, or taking advantage of my good will to strike at me. In either case, I couldn’t allow the latter. There’s good will and earnestness, and then there’s just being stupid. I won’t do the latter, and while this is a lesson he can’t benefit from in the future, that no less makes it true. If it comes to me, or family? I’ll be digging a lot of graves.
On the matter of graves, I have to have a talk with my sister once she and I both return from our respective trips away. She was angry at our brother. Incredibly angry. It wasn’t just a matter of battle and rage, it was soemthing much deeper than that. And I get the feeling, somehow, that she was after something from him that I’m not aware of just yet. I’ll need to take advantage of any time I have away from her to think of what it could be, and perhaps find a means of contacting someone in secret to research the subject, and to find a means by which I can escape her prying eyes from time to time. Friends are friends, but it’s not as though they don’t have their own agendas.
I have no illusions that what I’m about to walk into, in going to Erebus, is hell unimaginable. But somehow I’m prepared for that. What’s just beyond the realm of imaginable will only make me that much more prepared for the future my pack and I are inevitably going to be dealing with. I only hope that I’m not gone long, that I can handle what I’m going to encounter; and perhaps most of all, perhaps I’ll come back better, somehow. Everyone seems to want me to be cleansed of something that happened to me before I even existed, completely out of my control. I can’t think of anything else that could do this, besides going to Erebus. And to be honest, I’ve never had the courage to do so before now. A lot of things have happened over my few years to change my mind. I think I’m ready. I know I’m ready. Because I have to be.